I’m not one for gambling. It’s because when I’ve taken chances before I usually lose. But recently I played a little spiritual roulette. There’s a very talented Catholic author and comedian, Jen Fulwiler, who each year posts a couple of links that when clicked will spit out a random “word of the year” specifically for you. There’s also a link to a random saint who will accompany you during the new year. You just take a chance and click the links. So I did.
Well, the word I received was not something I liked. It was strange, I thought. So, I tried to click the link again to get something else that I thought would be better but it didn’t work. I was stuck with this ridiculous word. I tried to ignore it and went on to click the link for “my” saint. Who turned up but St. Anthony of Padua who has been with me since the third grade when Miss Mary Helen introduced our class to him. I can’t even begin to tell you the number of times this saint has interceded for me over the years and my prayers were miraculously answered. He truly was my saint so much so that I named one of our sons after him. Then I went back again to that “word”. What did it mean?
The word is “smaller”. Surely that couldn’t mean my physical stature as I can’t afford to lose even a quarter of an inch. But smaller? Lord, how could my life be any smaller? After Covid, it seemed as if so many things were taken away. My two prayer groups fell apart, the virus temporarily affected my singing voice so I’m no longer “out there” singing in choirs or at other events. We changed parishes and I have not found any ministries that I felt called to. I did the training to become a lector but then I needed two eye surgeries and my vision is still healing. Reading a text is quite challenging. How can things possibly become smaller?
That night when I went to bed, I again struggled to find meaning to this word, smaller. I wrestled with the Lord over it and asked over and over what this could mean. I sensed He wanted me to let go of it and get the rest I sorely needed. It would be revealed in time. Just as I was about to fall asleep, a scripture came to mind. “He must increase and I must decrease.” (John 3:30) Yes! That was it! I felt excited as I would love for the Lord to increase in me and for me to become, well, smaller. The word finally had meaning for me. I felt at peace.
The next morning just as I was getting ready to read the scriptures for the day and listen to a commentary, I thought to myself, “Wouldn’t it be so amazing if the scripture from last night was somehow confirmed today? Sure enough, the commentator referred to St. John the Baptist and spoke that very word that I had received the night before. And again, the following day, that same scripture came through in a different commentary. This was exciting! Now I knew this was something that I had to truly reflect on.
The joy, the peace that I experienced earlier when I received the scripture passage from John 3:30, has currently turned into a real struggle for me. I now understand what it’s true meaning is. Yes, how wonderfully marvelous it will be for the Lord to increase in me! I so long for this! But that word decrease (decrease=smaller) is now becoming a challenge as I have gained a new perspective. What needs to become “smaller” are my fears, my impatience, my feelings of rejection, my sense of not being good enough, my anxieties, my unworthiness, any resentments and the list goes on. Already I’ve had this tested. I understand how desperately I need for these things to become smaller. And I pray, “Lord, yes, increase in me. Let Your peace, Your joy, Your patience, Your understanding, Your love, Your forgiveness flow over me. Increase those things in me. Allow those places of my heart that are not of you begin to grow smaller.” It’s not going to be easy. But it’s only January and I have all year to work on that silly word, “smaller”. Actually, it turned out to be pretty profound.
Happy New Year, everyone!
If you’re up for it, here’s the link to the random word generator.